Parody 13: Welcome to Parody 13
by stewbeef44
Summary: Dear Reader, welcome... to Parody 13. Here, we take Warehouse 13 episodes, make fun of them, and publish the results right here in this supersized archive of WH13 fanfiction. Your job - read it, review it, and enjoy it. Good luck! This parodies the pilot episode of Warehouse 13.
1. It was a night like any other (Myka)

It was a night like any other. Well, for Myka Bering. Myka, you see, was a CIA official. Her daily life consisted of going around, kicking ass, fighting imaginary sugar monsters (she hated sugar with a passion), eating sugar-free Twizzlers in moments of obligatory product placement, breaking the fourth wall, and kicking more ass.

Tonight, she was on assignment at the Smithsonian. She was to protect the President while he went and made a speech on invading Finland. Nobody knew why the United States government wanted to invade Finland, but oh well.

She eventually saw the person she was looking for: Chet Greenfield. "Hi, I'm Chet Greenfield."

"Your name is 'Chet'?"

"Yes."

Myka laughed uncontrollably. Everybody started staring at her, so she moved on. "So... 'Chet'...", she giggled again at this, "I need some of the museum artifacts moved to the west wall. They're blocking an exit... 'Chet'. Ha, I just can't get over that!"

"I don't see anything that's funny about _my_ name... 'Myka'."

"...Good point."

"Good. Let's go in and talk with Gordon Letanik, the artifact prep guy. Just be careful, he's really kind of weird."

Gordon was a thin, wiry man in charge of preparing museum artifacts. He was kind of perverted. Tonight, he was trying to French-kiss a strange Aztec shrunken head with mysterious crystal shards for teeth.

"Come to me, my handsome Aztec head. You have been shrunken and mummified, but I will teach you to be well again, oh yes..."

At that point, Chet and Myka walked in. "Gordon, this is Myka Ber- … what the FRAKK are you DOING to that poor Aztec shrunken head?!"

"I'm teaching it manners, what does it look like?"

"Well, stop teaching it "manners", or you're fired!"

"Fine. But later, we will be together. Forever. What do you want?"

Chet sighed, and said, "This is Myka Bering, CIA. She wants you to move some artifacts."

"Oh, my, what a lovely woman. Could you stay a while, perhaps?"

Myka walked up to him. As he was about to kiss her, she punched and broke his nose. "Nope, unless you want me to do that to all the bones in your body. Now move those artifacts."

Gordon whimpered. "Fine, I'll just satisfy myself with this lovely shrunken head. Now leave, we're about to get started... moving artifacts."

Chet shook his head. "I'm sorry, Myka. Nobody else wanted the job, so he's what we have. We can't really fire him, so let's leave him be."

"Fine with me." They both left.

After they did, Gordon said to the head, "Let's finish this..." He put his tongue in the shrunken head's mouth. He had forgotten about the crystal teeth, and he cut his tongue on one. It bled and bled, and no matter what Gordon did, it kept bleeding.

The shrunken head started to speak to him, in a voice that he knew only he could hear. "KILL THE GIRL. THE MEXICAN AMBASSADOR'S DAUGHTER. ONLY THEN MAY YOU MAKE SWEET LOVE TO ME. DO IT. NOW."

"Yes... my liege."


	2. It was a night like any other (Pete)

It was a night like any other... aw, to hell with it. But for Pete Lattimer, also a CIA official, it truly was a night like any other. As usual, it was spent not showing up at the briefing for his current mission. Tonight, like many nights, he was banging away at a random female while eating a bagel. He loved bagels. He also liked banging random females. _I love my job_, he thought as he packed his briefcase and gun. He did, and now he had a president to protect.

He showed up to his assignment. His bossy and incorrigibly sarcastic partner, none other than Myka Bering, was there to nag him.

"Pete, you didn't show up to the briefing. Banging away at a server, most likely. That server, right?" She pointed to the exact server Pete had sex with earlier that night.

"How did you know? Did you look in my windows again?"

"I only did that that one time, and it was not a pleasant sight, so I never did it again. I just noticed that neither of you showed up with pants on."

Pete looked at the server's pants, then at his. Neither were present. "Don't you have a scrupulous eye for detail," he remarked.

"Yes, yes I do."

_Uh-oh._ Pete felt that something was wrong.

"Something's wrong here..." Pete said.

"How can you tell?"

"Well, whenever something bad's about to happen, I get really bad Pink Floyd songs stuck in my head, like they're on repeat."

"I thought Pink Floyd was a pretty good band."

"They were in their good years, but this song was one of their really bad ones. It's called Pigs, Three Different Ones."

"Oh... that must really suck."

A voice came on their headset. "Is Eagle clear to enter?"

Myka spoke back, "Affirmative, Eagle is free to enter."

Pete suddenly said into his headset, "Negative! Negative, hold Eagle until further notice. Out."

Myka glared at him, saying, "Get back to your post."

"Myka, the volume of that Pink Floyd song just went up 20 decibels. Something's off."

"It's only your pants that are off, Pete, now get out of here."

"I will."


	3. The Old Man and the Unibrow

Meanwhile, there was a man outside. He had a determined, serious expression on his face, and a unibrow. Mostly a unibrow, though. His determined, serious expression actually made him look like he was trying to fart, so we'll leave it at that.

This man was trying to break into the Smithsonian and steal a certain Aztec shrunken head, the same shrunken head that Gordon Letanik lusted after. Unlike Gordon, he did not want to French-kiss it, that would be just plain stupid. No, the unibrowed man's motives will be revealed shortly, as it is an integral part of our story.

As the mysterious man was sneaking through the passageways, he saw a guard. The guard turned around, saw him, and drew his gun. But before the guard could do anything, he drew out a water pistol. The guard started laughing his ass off, thinking it was some sort of joke. But when the man pulled the trigger, it was not water that shot out, it was a giant bolt of lightning. The guard was knocked out instantly, and the unibrowed man walked calmly to the elevator as though nothing happened.

Pete Lattimer was doing a perimeter check when he noticed an Aztec shrunken head on a pedestal. The strange thing about it was that it was bleeding. _Do mummies bleed? I wouldn't think they do, but I know nothing about ancient mummification processes_, he thought. While he was pondering this silly notion, a man with bloodshot eyes carrying a knife who was staring directly at the Mexican ambassador's daughter walked behind him. This was the lust-crazed Gordon Letanik, now governed solely by the magical, now-bleeding shrunken head. Everybody at the museum must have been either drunk or high, because nobody noticed this. Nobody but Myka Bering, who saw this familiar face walking towards the ambassador's daughter, raising his knife, advancing closer and closer..."

"FREEZE, PERV!"

Now we go back to Pete. He had decided to take the Aztec shrunken head home with him, because it just looked really cool. Unfortunately for him, just before he had grabbed it, everyone got over their respective alcohol- and marijuana-induced highs and realized a CIA agent had stolen a museum artifact.

Pete knew he would be fired, but in his messed-up mind, a bleeding, mummified head was totally worth it. Until he tripped and lost his grip on the head, and it rolled right over to where a man with a giant unibrow was standing.

"Hey! I want that!"

"You can't have it, Pete." He could only watch as the man poured something purple and gross into the head. There was a giant flash of light, and afterwards, the mysterious man was gone.

By this time, Myka had beaten Gordon to a bloody pulp, and was about to shoot him. But at the very moment there was the big flash of light, Gordon screamed and started to dance to imaginary polka rap, because he had gone insane. His only chance of making it with a shrunken head, something he had wanted to do since he was five years old, was eliminated. "Let's leave him be," one of the women at the party said. "Myka and the rest agreed, and Gordon was left in a bloody, polka rap-dancing mess.


	4. The creepiest woman on the planet

As it turned out, Pete was suspended indefinitely. In the CIA, of course, this meant only one thing: he was going to be shot in the balls, then shot into the sun. So to sum it up, Pete Lattimer was having a pretty crappy evening.

As he got home, he had another Pink Floyd song stuck in his head, one that he hadn't heard before. This meant Pete was about to encounter something really weird. He pulled out his gun, just in case.

He searched his entire apartment for something mysterious, but he didn't find anything. He was starving (as usual), so he went to the refrigerator to get a bagel. And this is where our story gets weird.

A woman was waiting inside the refrigerator with a creepy, stern look on her face. "Hello, Peter. We need to talk."

"What... the hell?"

The woman ignored this. "I've broken inside your house and have hidden inside your refrigerator to pop out when you're least expecting it on a matter of national security." The freezer door opened, which was hiding a male stripper. The stripper handed him a legal document, which was a transfer. "You're part of my bailiwick now," the woman said calmly.

"...What's a 'bailiwick'? It sounds really dirty."

"You're working for me."

"Yeah, like that's gonna happen."

"Well, would you rather be shot into the sun?"

"...Fine."

"Pack light, Mr. Lattimer. We'll ship what you need and store the rest, I've scattered gnomes throughout the house to do that overnight while you're sleeping."

"Huh?" Pete looked behind him. A gnome was standing there, flipping him off. He turned around to protest, but both the woman and the male stripper had vanished.

"This will definitely be the weirdest thing I'll ever experience," Pete said to no one in particular. He was wrong.


	5. Warehouse 13

Pete drove to the coordinates on the transfer. The document showed the place he was being transferred to as "Warehouse 13", somewhere in South Dakota. When he crossed the South Dakota state line, he noticed a cow staring intently at him. What was strange was that it had a thimble on its tail, a shackle on its hoof, and a symbol of an eye branded on its side. "Hey, stop staring at me!" The cow mooed. "Jeez, it's not like you're my mom or anything!"

The cow glared at him, and stomped off. "Cows these days..." Pete sighed, and drove on.

As Pete drove up to a creepy-looking warehouse, which he assumed to be the "Warehouse 13" that he was being transferred to, he saw none other than Myka Bering there.

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, when I went home, a woman was hiding in my toilet, of all places. She said she had broken in because of national security."

"Let me guess, was there a male stripper with her who handed you a transfer?"

"Yes, he came out of the shower. How did you know?"

Pete told her what happened when he had arrived home. "Well, let's go in and see what the hell is going on," Myka said.

A voice said behind them, "Sorry I'm late, I had to fix the fish."

It was the mysterious unibrowed man who had broken into the museum. Pete asked, "Hey, you stole my shrunken head!"

"It wasn't yours, Pete, and you stole it, remember?" Myka reminded him.

"I know, but he stole it from me afterward!"

The unibrowed man broke up the argument. "It's called a Bloodhead, and it's in the warehouse, safe and sound. My name is Arthur Nielsen, but you can call me Artie. I also work for Ms. Frederic, the lady who delivered the transfers."

"Fine," Myka said exasperatedly. "What do we do?"

"Well, I'll explain everything inside."

Myka and Pete hesitated, looking at the structure. It was most likely the creepiest exterior of a building they had ever seen.

"I made bagels."

"Yay, bagels!" Pete rushed in giddily. Myka still looked reluctant to go inside, but went in anyway.

First they went through a corridor filled with nuclear bombs. There was a sign saying in large letters, "DON'T TOUCH THE BOMBS". Pete tried to touch one anyway, but Myka grabbed his hand before he could blow anything up. They also noticed a large, red button on the opposite wall, saying, "SELF-DESTRUCT BUTTON. DO NOT PRESS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES."

"Why is that button even there?" Myka wondered aloud.

After the corridor, they went through some sort of lobby, then to a deck looking out over an expanse of shelves and boxes. It truly seemed amazing.

"Mr. Lattimer, Miss Bering. Welcome... to Warehouse 13."


	6. Bad phone service

"Tell me exactly what I'm doing here." Myka demanded as soon as she walked back in the lobby of the warehouse.

"Well, that's hard to describe..." Artie began.

Myka decided it was time for immediate action. She pulled out a gun and a squirrel, and pointed the gun at the squirrel's head. "The squirrel gets it if you don't tell me what's going on, right now."

"That squirrel's already dead, Myka."

"Dammit, it always fools everyone else. Alright, well, can I make a phone call?"

"I don't have one. Too much technology for me, I prefer telegraphs." Artie pointed to his telegraph machine in the corner.

"Okay, let's see if my cell phone has any battery left..."

"There's no signal here."

Myka looked ready to break something, then huffily walked out of the building.

"I think she had other plans," Pete said.

"So did I."

Pete was about to ask what exactly those plans were, but thought better of it. He looked around, and saw a picture of a young Artie, Mrs. Frederic, and some other people. "Who's that in the picture besides you and Mrs. Frederic?"

"Former colleagues."

"And where are they now?"

"Well, these five are dead, this one is drooling applesauce in a nursing home, I think he's about ten years older than you now, this one thinks and feels like he's being ripped apart and eaten by Cthulhu, Prince of Darkness constantly, this one, mental institution in Germany, and this one... disappeared, one day I'll find him."

Meanwhile, Myka was standing on a mound, trying to call her former boss, Daniel Dickinson. She was still on good terms with him, as she didn't try and steal anything from the Smithsonian.

"Hello?"

"Sir? This is Myka Bering."

"Where are you? And where's Pete, I was supposed to shoot him into the sun today!"

"Yeah, you're not the only one who wants to. Look, a lady appeared in my toilet along with a male stripper in my shower, and they transferred me to a warehouse in South Dakota."

There was an awkward pause. "You do know that drugs can get you fired, right?"

"I'm not on drugs. Look, the lady is named Mrs. Frederic. I am requesting a transfer back to D.C."

"Okay, okay, I'll look into it. I'll call you later and I'll tell you what I find. Bye."

The call ended. Artie was standing at the bottom of the mound. "That's a pile of crap you're standing in. Would you like a cookie?"

"No, I hate sugar."

"Oh, well, that's okay then. Come on, I'll give you and Pete a tour."


	7. The Magical Buggy Tour of Mystery

Pete and Myka's tour started out in an old, hokey-looking electric buggy. Myka told Pete what happened during the phone call, as Artie rambled on about the history of Warehouse 13, which at that point neither of them could care less about. At one point, however, Pete saw a swirling, triangular vortex of energy behind one of the crates. "What is that?" he asked.

"That," Artie said, "is part of the Bermuda Triangle. Triangle's been trying to get it back ever since."

"I think he's crazy," Myka whispered to Pete softly enough so Artie wouldn't hear. Pete nodded in agreement.

"And over here is the Bloodhead, which Pete was so helpful to retrieve for me last night. And its properties probably would have killed an ambassador's daughter, had it not been safely put away and neutralized, right in here."

There was a pause. Myka broke the silence, saying loudly, "Bunk."

Artie looked at her. "Is gravity bunk? Is magnetism? These are all mysterious forces that we live with every day, but we can't explain them. I mean, can you even explain to me how a radio works?"

Myka interrupted him. "Yes, I can. I could right now, but it's quite a lengthy explanation, and so it would be terribly annoying for the author to have to explain it all."

Suddenly, there was a booming sound. "Never, ever, break the fourth wall. Ever. Do you understand?" Artie suddenly looked serious.

"What's a 'fourth wall'?" Pete inquired.

"I can't tell you that. The only thing that we are allowed to say about the... wall... is that we never mention it, or everything you see here will be lost. Do both of you have that _absolutely_ clear?"

"Yes."

"Good. Let's continue the tour."

As they went on, Myka saw a ferret. "Aww, what a cute ferret! Hi, my name is Myka! Look, isn't he adora – OW!" The ferret bit her. "What was that for?"

Artie looked serious again. "Myka, do you smell fudge right now?"

"Yes... how did you know?"

"Myka, Pete, get in the car. We're going to Leena's."

"Who?" they said in unison. But he didn't answer, so they followed him out of the warehouse.


	8. Myka's Nightmare I

Myka found herself in a familiar place. It was filled with mist. Mist that was crystalline, and tasted like... sugar! A ferret appeared near her.

"What am I doing here?" Myka asked the ferret groggily.

The ferret replied, "You are grumpy and unpleasant to be around, and do not adapt well to new environments. In the situation you are in, you will need to to that at a moment's notice. I will be appearing occasionally to help you do just that."

"Riiight. So why is this place filled with sugar? I hate sugar."

She immediately got her answer. All the sugar-mist in the room started forming a giant sugar monster, one that she had often had nightmares about. The ferret tossed her a lightsaber.

Myka slashed off the sugar monster's arm. She started to do her victory dance of triumph, but noticed that her lightsaber was on the ground, her arm still clutching the lightsaber. Her own arm had fallen off.

"NOOOOO!" A door opened, and she was sent reeling through it, into the void beyond. She could hear the ferret calling, "Next time, Myka! Next time!"

"I'll see you in hell, you goddamn ferret!"

And then Myka woke up. Her arm was still intact. "Now _that_ was a scary dream..."

She heard a voice saying, "Oh, good, you're up. Hello, I'm Leena. You've been out a while, would you like some cookies?"

"No. I don't eat sugar."

"We also have Twizzlers."

"Oh, thank you! All right, I'll get some."

With that, she followed Leena into the dining room and met up with Pete and Artie.


	9. Leena's Mind Game

"Leena, I had a really strange dream last night."

Leena stopped. "Was it about a ferret? Did it involve the ferret handing you a lightsaber, so you could fight a sugar monster, only to have your own arm chopped off, and you reeling into a dark void that you only escaped by waking up?"

"Um... how did you know?"

"Because I'm psychic. For example, you totally have it for Pete, but you don't want to admit that you have the hots for someone who never wears pants. Your partner and former lover, Sam, was shot in Denver, and you still have yet to recover from it. You do not have a favorite color, because you think that sort of thing is stupid. You like indie music, especially Great Lake Swimmers, Electric President and RickoLus. You also are afraid of not only sugar monsters, but also Hello Kitty. You cry every night because bronies exist, and you sleep naked. See? I'm psychic."

"I hate you so much."

"No, you don't. I can tell, because I'm psychic."

"DAMN YOU, LEENA!"

"Yep, everyone says that at first."

Soon, they met up with Artie, his unibrow, and Pete (who, as usual, was not wearing pants). The mission briefing began.


	10. Briefing

When they all had sat down, Artie began briefing them. "Okay, so you two are investigating Cody Thomas, a law school graduate student."

"What did he do?"

"He struck his girlfriend. But you are not just investigating him, you're investigating what may have caused it. And to answer that, I've prepared some questions."

He handed them a few pages of questions. Pete started reading them.

"Hmm, let's see... 'do you smell fudge?' But what if there's a fudge factory nearby? Or there's this really cool food cart that only sells different types of fudge? Can we perhaps invest in some if we find it?"

"Ignore him." Myka nodded in reply, and she grabbed the packet from Pete. "'Do you have the constant feeling that today is yesterday? Is that just to check for hangovers?"

"No." Leena looked somber. "That question saved Artie a few years back. Mrs. Frederic and I were not quite so lucky."

There was a pause. "What happened?" Pete asked.

Artie answered. "The Mayan Calendar. It allows you to read the mind of any person throughout space and time. It makes you paranoid and delusional if you cannot control it. Leena, through her delusion predicted the end of the world for December 31, 1999. Leena's mother died of a heart attack because of it, and now Mrs. Frederic has taken over as legal guardian for Leena."

"And I still am not over killing my mom by starting Y2K, not by a long shot. So always ask at least that question. Please."

"Also, we still have not found the Mayan Calendar. It was stolen by one of my former partners."

"Artie, where is he now?" Pete asked.

"...I'd rather not talk about it. Now, be on your way. Seever City, Iowa is where you're headed. Good luck. Oh, and... don't get killed."


	11. Seever City does not exist!

"Pete, have you noticed something with Artie?"

Pete seemed surprised. He had a deep appreciation for Artie already. "No, not really, Myka."

"Well, he's really, really bad at geography. He said Seever City, Iowa, but there is no such city. Pete... we have to search the entire state of Iowa."

"No! But there's no delicious, prepared food in Iowa, except a few perhaps in Des Moines! We'll starve, soon we'll be wearing fur bikinis and living among the aliens! AUUUGHH!"

"Pete, have some coffee."

Pete took a sip. "Whew... thanks, Myka. But yeah, he sure doesn't have a clue about geography, does he?"

"No kidding. Well, I suppose we'll go to Des Moines."

IN DES MOINES...

"Hungry... anyone... please..."

"Need... food..."

"Anything for street food, I could even wear pants!"

They were sitting at a pub. Myka was eating a burger, Pete was begging for street food. "Pete, you're not going to get street food! Get a burger already!"

A stranger, an old wrinkly-looking Brit about Artie's age, came up and said, "Ma'am, I overheard you saying on that Farnsworth that you are looking for law schools in Des Moines. Well, there's Drake, but they mostly do agricultural law, so you may want to try University of Iowa in Iowa City. Say hello to Arthur for me, and tell him... thanks for all the fish."

The stranger walked away. Myka shrugged, and called back Artie on the Farnsworth. "Hey Artie, there's no such thing as Seever City."

"I know, I said Iowa City, don't be ridiculous. Well, I think I did. What do you want?"

"Well, someone tipped us off about –"

"Who? Did you get his name?"

"No, but he was British, really emo, and seemed to know you. He said, 'Thanks for all the fish.'"

Artie froze. "Are you... sure about this?"

"Yeah, Artie, I'm sure."

"Okay, I'll inform Mrs. Frederic, to alert the Regents. Jane must know as well."

"The Regents? Jane? Are you making stuff up?"

"Yes, I am. Forget about what I just made up. I have more important things to do right now. Bye."

And with that, the Farnsworth conversation was over. So, once Myka had convinced Pete he was not going to starve, they went to Iowa City.


	12. Cody Thomas

IN IOWA CITY...

As it turned out, the Brit that had talked to Myka earlier was not the most emo person they were going to meet. It was Cody Thomas.

Pete started off the interview. "Cody, we just need to ask you some questions."

"What about? Do you think I'm sick? I hope I am."

Pete and Myka looked at each other. Myka spat, "You struck your girlfriend, and we want to know why."

"I don't have a girlfriend."

"Her name is Emily. Emily Krueger. Do you remember –"

"_Si populus ignorabat ita sum emi, essent omnes iusti mori et omnis esset realiter infelix, similes mei. Descendit cum societatis!"_

The muscles in Cody's arms started bulging. He ripped the handcuffs from his hands and walked slowly towards Pete and Myka.

"_Si popu –"_

At the very moment when Cody had started shouting apparent nonsense, a really bad song came into Pete's head. "Myka! Use the Tesla on him!"

"Why?"

"JUST DO IT!"

Myka used the Tesla. In a flash, Cody was unconscious.

"This is why I didn't want this job," Myka said exasperatedly.


	13. Vibes

"Pete, when did you first start hearing Pink Floyd songs?"

Pete seemed to be taken aback. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, if you are going to be my partner in this whole Warehouse business, I need to know stuff about you. So tell me."

Pete hesitated. "My dad had this old harp he used to play. He played Pink Floyd a lot, and those songs have always been in my head. But one day, he gave it as a present to my mom. She went to work one day, and took it. When she came home, she said she lost it. I never believed her, though."

"Why not?"

"Because she... well, my dad..."

"Pete, are you crying?"

"...He never came back, Myka. He died in a house fire that night."

"I'm sorry."

"Me too. But the night he died, I had this dream of a harp playing all by itself. It was in a dark place, filled with green mist. It played all Pink Floyd songs. Ever since I had the dream, I've always heard that harp playing a Pink Floyd song whenever something is about to happen."

Myka looked at Pete thoughtfully. Her attention switched over, however, to Cody Thomas making out with a middle-aged woman.

"I think we should investigate that," Myka said. The agents walked over, and went back to work.


	14. Lorna Soliday

As Pete and Myka walked up to Cody Thomas, the lady he was making out with quickly buttoned up Cody's shirt and said, "Hi, I'm Lorna Soliday, Cody's lawyer. What do you want with him?"

"Are you that hands-on with all your clients?"

"No, just my godson."

"Well, that makes me feel so much better," Myka said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Does Cody know any foreign languages?"

"Não, mas sei o suficiente para dizer que você não deve se intrometer nos assuntos dos outros."

"Say whouza what now?"

"Pete, it's Portuguese, she's telling us not to get involved."

"Oh. Lorna, what we're trying to say is that Cody was speaking some foreign language in there right before he turned into the Incredible Hulk and tried to beat us to death."

"I don't know anything about that."

Pete and Myka looked at each other. "We'll be back."

Pete and Myka walked off. Myka suddenly stopped.

"Pete, I know the language. It's... oh... oh, no..."

"Never heard of that language before."

"I smell fudge..." With that said, Myka fainted.


	15. Myka's Nightmare II

Meanwhile, in a catacomb far beyond the world of Warehouse 13, a ferret was sitting at a computer typing something.

"Hmm... let's see... funny, not funny. Funny..."

And suddenly, a certain Myka Bering stood in the room. "Why am I here again?" Myka asked, gritting her teeth.

"You fainted, didn't you?"

"If you give me a lightsaber again, I will chop you up and eat you."

"I'm not that tasty. Besides, I've decided to put you through another test of patience, and it doesn't involve weapons. Oh, and keep it down, will you? I'm busy writing the world you live in."

"What?"

Suddenly, she was in another place. It was her parents' house. She went to her room. It was exactly as she had left it when she was ten years old. "Oh, that ferret is going to get it now..."

"Tracy, come downstairs, we have a present for you!"

It was Myka's mom. Tracy, Myka's sister, always got all the presents, all the cute guys... but Myka was a library nerd, and while she was probably the smartest person in her family, she was always treated as second best. Also, her father was very grumpy most of the time. She had a hard time growing up.

"It's catnip, thanks Mom! Oh, and Barbies? Thank you so much!" Tracy looked mockingly at her sister, and went off to huff catnip and play with her dolls.

"_I wish I had a lightsaber right now,"_ thought Myka.

"Myka, your present is with your dad. He should be home in a few minutes."

_Patience, Myka. Patience._

"What was that about?" Myka's mom asked quizzically.

"Oh, nothing, definitely not a sadistic ferret that haunts me in my dreams."

"... I'm going to go look out for your father. Wait here, okay?"

_I'm not sadistic, I'm here to help. Patience._

"Fine." Myka quieted down.

As soon as she did, her father came in. "Hey, kiddo. I brought you a book."

He handed a book to Myka. "An original copy of one of Einstein's treatises on metaphysics? I love you!"

_Good job, Myka._

Before she knew it, she was back in the police office. "You do?" Pete asked enthusiastically.

"No... no, I said I hate you."

"I think you said you loved me, Myka."

"You don't wear pants! How could I be hot for someone who doesn't wear pants?!"

Everyone was staring at them. "Just drop it, okay?"

"Okay. Hey, I think we should give Artie a call on the Farnsworth."


	16. It's all Latin to me

After the agents pressed the button on the Farnsworth, Artie showed up on the screen.

"Did you find anything in Omaha?"

"Artie, Omaha is in Nebraska, not Iowa."

"Fine. What did you find in Coeur d'Alene?"

Myka put her head in her hands. "That's in Idaho."

"Idaho, Iowa, what's the difference? What did you find?"

"Well, Cody randomly got angry and tried to beat us up in the interview. Just before that, he said something in Latin."

"What was it?"

"Well, I know Latin, so –"

Pete read the Latin that Cody had said. "He said, 'Si populus ignorabat ita sum emi, essent omnes iusti mori et omnis esset realiter infelix, similes mei. Descendit cum societatis!' I don't know, it's Latin to me."

"Yes, Pete, we know that. What it means in English is –"

Artie interrupted her. "'If people did not know, I am so I have bought, they would be all righteous: they die and all would be really unhappy man, like unto me. Down with the society!'..." He stared into space for a while, mumbled something, and ran off.

"What was that about?" Pete ended the Farnsworth call.

"I don't know, Pete. Maybe someone on campus can give us a more accurate translation. After all, I got a translation that was very close to that, and even I don't know what it meant."

"Well, let's go."


	17. Pete wears pants

To try and clear up Artie's choppy translation, Pete and Myka decided to visit the university's professor of Renaissance Studies, Edward Marzotto. When they got to his office, a student was walking out. This was Emily Kreuger. They didn't get a chance to talk, as she ran out of the building quickly, apparently in a hurry.

The professor was only wearing underpants. "A man after my fashion statement... this must be dealt with," Pete murmured under his breath. "Professor Marzotto?" Myka asked. When the professor looked at them, they flashed their badges.

"I wasn't having an affair with my student, Emily Kreuger, okay? It's not like it's a big deal anyway. I mean, she is 20 and I'm 83 years old, but who gives a crap?"

There was an awkward pause. "That's it, I'm not associating with this guy," Pete declared. "He can have my fashion statement, I'm putting on some pants." With that said, Pete opened his briefcase and slipped on a nice pair of slacks.

"You had those all the time?" Myka asked quizzically. "Well, anyway, we do need this guy. He might have a translation for us. Hey, perv, translate this." She handed the Latin script to him.

"Oh, that says... hmm, it's pretty old, even for Latin... but I think it says, 'If people actually knew me, then a dark reality would set in place, similar to what I am. Down with society!'" After he read this, the professor looked worried. Is...is that all?"

"Yep. Let's get out of here, Pete."

After they left, Edward picked up an old tome from the shelf, and turned to the first page. The words on that page exactly matched the words he translated.

He then picked up the phone. "I'm sorry, Lorna," he said. "But you can't keep it."


	18. The Dark Vault

Back in the lobby of Warehouse 13, Artie was kicking papers around and yelling, "I NEED A PICTURE!" for no apparent reason. Of course, he did have a reason: he just felt like it. After his paper-kicking was over, he switched to what seemed to him to be a far more productive task. This involved standing at his trusty computer, hitting random buttons, and snarling, "Just gimme a picture." Seeing as this wasn't productive either, he yelled at the entire Warehouse, "DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE!"

In the end, this was what he decided to do. He decided to go down to the Dark Vault, using the most awkward form of travel known to man: the Warehouse segway. Actually, for a person of his girth, the zipline would have been more awkward. Leave it to Artie to make something more silly-looking than a segway.

After he had gotten off, he bribed the segway to go back to the lobby. (The segway was actually the one from RoboCop, and it would have mercilessly slaughtered him if he hadn't bribed it). The purple tent was his destination, and he went inside.

Purple neutralizer gas filled the room. The things in here had such evil potential that the room had to be filled with this, or they would act on their own. Artie, clumsy and disoriented from the segway (it had really worn him out) stumbled around, nearly stepping into more than one protective force field, until he got to the artifact he was looking for: a painting of a woman combing her hair. In place of the comb was an indent that would fit such a comb.

"Oh no..." Artie said. He realized he had told the segway to go to the lobby, so now he had no way to go back, except if he carried it back. "I just hope nobody writes about this someday and makes way too many fat jokes about this incident," Artie said to himself.

Unfortunately for him, this happened.


	19. Emily Krueger

BACK IN IOWA CITY...

Pete and Myka had decided to go to Emily's workplace. It was as if Pete had died and gone to a bakery, mostly because she worked at a bakery. Of course, to Pete, bakeries meant there would be...

"BAGELS! Bagels everywhere! My job is awesome!" Pete yelled excitedly. "Oh... sorry." He flashed his badge at Emily, saying, "Hello, we're Secret Service. Can I have a bagel?"

Myka glared at him. "Sorry about him. We are investigating Cody Thomas. Has he come into contact with anything strange recently?"

"Did he go anywhere near that guy?"

"Yes, but I meant something other than him."

"Well, I don't know about any unusual objects, but his godmother and lawyer, Lorna Soliday, has been acting strange around him recently. You might ask her. Just be careful..."

"We're Shecret Shervish. We know how to deal wif vese people," Pete said, his mouth full of stolen bagel.

"You do know you have to pay for that, right?"

"Oh, right." Pete gave her the payment owed for the bagel.

They went outside. A charred body was across the street. Local police and fire trucks had gathered around. A student remarked, "I think that's Professor Marzotto..."

Pete was reminded of his father. "I... can't deal with this, Myka. I'm going back in the bakery."

"Alright, I understand."

Myka approached one of the firemen, and showed her badge. "Oh... Secret Service? I heard you needed Marzotto to translate something. Was it Latin?"

"Yes."

"Well, Marzotto was speaking Latin right before he burst into flames. I hope that helps."

Myka went in and told Pete what she heard. "Well," said Pete, "I had a vibe, so I asked Emily for the keys after I told her what happened. We can go there now."

"Let's go, then."


	20. Mrs Frederic meets Daniel Dickinson

MEANWHILE, AT THE CIA HEADQUARTERS IN WASHINGTON, DC...

Daniel Dickinson was pacing through the halls, as he did when he was thinking. "What the hell is Warehouse 13?" he wondered aloud. He had just entered his office when he noticed that a scary lady was sitting in his chair with his back turned to him. "Hello," she said in a creepy voice. She slowly turned around 180 degrees to face him, for dramatic effect. "We haven't met. I'm Mrs. Frederic."

"How did you get in here?" Dickinson asked. A male stripper stepped out from her shadow. "And who is this? Is this a joke?"

"Do I look like a joke, Mr. Dickinson?"

"...No, you just look really creepy."

"As I hoped I would."

Dickinson sighed. "Okay, let's cut to the chase. Warehouse 13. Is it yours?"

"It's mine. And so are Mr. Lattimer and Ms. Bering."

"Excuse me?"

Mrs. Frederic pulled out a gun and a squirrel. "Do I need to repeat myself?"

"The old 'threaten to shoot a dead squirrel with a gun' thing doesn't work on me, lady. It's the oldest trick in the CIA playbook."

"Well, I suppose we could have a staring contest and see who wins. The person who wins keeps the agents."

"Fine. As long as you and the stripper leave afterward."

And so the epic staring battle began.


	21. Lorna's game

When Pete and Myka got to the late Professor Marzotto's office, they started to look for anything odd. Myka found something immediately.

"Hey, the M's in the bookcase are out of order. Maybe there's something in there."

They took a look inside. As it turned out, there was a tome inside. It had the same translation as Marzotto had given them. They were about to leave when a certain Lorna Soliday walked in.

"What are you doing?" Lorna asked.

"We're investigating what caused Marzotto's death."

Lorna paused. "Ed was murdered. I think I know who did it."

"Who?"

"Emily Krueger. I heard she's after Cody now. They're going to a party at her house tonight."

"Then let's go."

"I'm going with you, I have to be with Cody."

Ignoring how creepy her last sentence was, Pete, Myka, and Lorna got in the agents' car and drove to Emily's house.

IN THE CAR...

In the car, something was off with Lorna. After a while, her eyes started to glow silver.

"You know, Ed was hot. I would have done him," she spoke as if she were intoxicated.

Pete and Myka looked at each other. Lorna continued, "Emily's hot too. Too bad I have to get rid of her... and you..."

Lorna's eyes had no pupils now, they were completely silver. "_Si populus ignorabat ita sum emi, essent omnes iusti mori et omnis esset realiter infelix, similes mei. Descendit cum societatis!_"

Pete and Myka now knew they were in a trap Lorna had set. It was too late now, though; Lorna Soliday crashed the car into a ditch.

Lorna Soliday got out of the wreck, somehow unscathed. "Edward Marzotto... gone. Emily Krueger, you're next!"


	22. Life or death

Myka woke up in what appeared to be a hospital bed. However, she realized she probably wasn't, because there was a ferret by her bedside.

"Where am I?" Myka asked.

"You are near death. You must choose whether to live, and live being a Warehouse agent, or to not."

"Why do I have to choose?"

"Everybody chooses. Some choose to die and live as ghosts, but some choose to live on and live their lives. Others still don't have a choice."

Myka paused. "How do you know so much about me?"

"Because I weave your reality together. My computer is a vessel into your world, where I create some parts. I maintain other parts, and some I choose to destroy."

"Why do you do this?"

"I just think it's funny."

There was a silence. "...It's not that funny. I'm about to die,you think that's funny?!"

"Only if I make it so. And I probably couldn't do that. That's why I'm letting you decide. What do you choose?"

Myka thought for a moment. "I want to talk it over with someone. I want to talk to Sam, my former partner."

"Very well." Sam appeared out of nowhere.

"What is it like, Sam? Dying?"

"It really, really hurts. Like hell. There's bronies, there's Hello Kitty... oh god, no..."

"Sam, what is it?"

"IT'S HELLO KITTY! IT'S LOOKING AT ME! I – I"M ON FIRE! I'M BURNING... HELP ME!"

"Okay, I'm postponing this. I don't want to die." Myka looked scared.

"Very well," the ferret replied, and Myka was transported to the world of Warehouse 13.

After she was gone, Sam said to the ferret, "Hey you owe me $20."

The ferret gave him a twenty-dollar bill. "That was good acting. Glad she's not dead."

"You have no idea. I still love her, and I also think she'll make a great Warehouse agent."

"Should I send you back?"

"Please."

With that, Sam was gone, and the ferret continued typing.


	23. Through the Plot Hole

Myka woke up lying on the ground next to the wrecked car. She immediately found Pete, who was looking curiously at a cigar.

"Hey Myka, I think you should check this cigar out. I have a vibe; I think it might be another artifact."

Myka examined it. "I think we should call Artie."

Once they had reached him on the Farnsworth, Artie asked, "How far are you from the Renaissance party?"

"About 10 miles... and Lorna crashed the car."

"Well, why did you let her in the car in the first place?!"

"That was our bad," Pete admitted. "But we may have found another artifact." Pete showed him the cigar.

"Those initials... does that say J.B.?"

"It looks like it. What, do you think it's James Bond's cigar or something?" Myka looked at him quizzically, she had no idea who James Bond was.

"Yes, I believe so. It can teleport to where danger is located, or away from it. It was imbued with its power because James Bond, who was an agent in Warehouse history, was a spy before he was an agent. However, he always made the mistake of revealing his name to people he wanted to sleep with. No spy does that over and over again and gets away with it... unless you can get out of danger very quickly. The reverse effect is due to his love of danger."

"Okay, fine. How does it work?" asked Myka.

"Well, you hold it and say your name twice. To teleport two people, you would say, "Myka Bering and Peter Lattimer" twice. Go on, hurry!"

They used the cigar, and the next thing they knew, they were at the party.


	24. The renaissance party

As soon as Myka and Pete arrived at the party, Myka noticed Lorna Soliday staring intently at Emily kissing Cody.

"Now if that's not the most stalker-ish person I've ever seen..."

"Um, Myka, just think of Mrs. Frederic and this will all seem like very normal behavior."

"Right, so I'll go in and somehow toss the comb in the bucket of goo. You can cover me."

"No, Myka. I'll go in, you can flank." Myka looked at him worriedly. "Trust me, I can do this."

"Okay, just watch out."

As Pete walked up, he noticed that Lorna had already used the comb on the crowd. They moved to let him pass, but they also closed in behind him as he walked along.

When he got to Lorna, he saw Cody carrying Emily towards the bonfire.

"Hello, Peter. Do you know why I am doing this?"

"Um... because you want Cody for yourself?"

"No, you fool. The love that I seek is not a person; I'm making out with Cody as a ruse. The real reason is my love of Italy."

"Yeah, I guess Italy is nice. Without Italy, there wouldn't be any meatball subs, no penne alla vodka... the world would be a mess. But is murder the only option?"

"Of course it is! It worked when I had every piece of small-time trash in Italy by the throat in the olden days!"

"What are you talking about?"

Suddenly there was a bright flash of light. Myka had shot Lorna with the Tesla. "Thought you might need some help – look behind you!"

Cody Thomas was right behind them. He took a swing at Pete, who ducked. "I need the Tesla, Myka!"

Myka tossed the Tesla over to Pete, and Pete zapped Cody as well. Myka grabbed the comb out of Lorna's hair, and put it in the goo bucket. It started to glow. Pete and Myka looked away, and everybody regained their senses.

Lorna woke up, and asked, "What happened?"

"Well, looks like you ate some wild mushrooms. Pick some creminis or shittakes from the store next time, okay?"

With that, Pete and Myka took a cab to the main part of Iowa City, where Artie was waiting.


	25. Twisted motives

"So, apart from wrecking the car, how'd your first mission go?"

"Well Artie, it was really weird. Lorna kept saying something about her wanting Cody being a ruse, and that her main target was Italy."

"Ha, I knew that was it! That comb belonged to Lucretia Borgia, a cutthroat tyrant who ruled Italy at one time. She must have wanted it to turn everyone to follow her so she could retake power."

"So why did she want Emily gone?"

"Emily's parents are influential in Italy. My theory is that she wanted to get those two angry enough at her so they would be enemies, thus giving her an excuse to kill them and usurp power."

"She did know the feudal system is gone, right?"

"Seeing as she was stuck inside a comb for hundreds of years, I would guess not."

"Are all these missions going to be this insane?" Myka asked. "Yes, for the most part. Well, actually, yes. All of them."

After that, they drove back to Leena's.


	26. Mrs Frederic, Jedi Master

Back at Secret Service HQ, Mrs. Frederic had beaten Daniel Dickinson after three hours of intense staring. Mrs. Frederic had decided to keep staring at Daniel even after it was over. That, or it might have just been her resting face. We will never know.

After the staring contest, Daniel had still refused to cooperate.

JUST AFTER DANIEL DICKINSON HAD LOST...

"I'm not giving my agents up!"

"Well, Daniel, I'm afraid I have no choice. I will now put on Ewan McGregor's Jedi Master robe and use the Force on you."

"Oh dear God, you are truly insane."

"Really? Is stalking your agents and appearing in random places to tell them I work for a magical warehouse in South Dakota and that I want them to work for me insane? Is making a bunch of gnomes appear in Agent Lattimer's house insane? Is this?"

At that point, she waved her hand slowly at him and said, "These are not the agents you are looking for. You will sign the transfer for them to work for me. I am NOT insane."

With this, she disappeared in her usual fashion. Daniel Dickinson snapped out of his trance, and said to himself, "Well, she seems like a reasonable person." He then went back to work.


End file.
